Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
OP, you need to talk to a family counselor about limits and boundaries.
Take your daughter to a counselor with you, if she wants. I know that
you feel that you have been doing the selfless thing, but you seem to
want to make decisions for your daughter and her husband even though
they are married adults.
May 15, '16, 8:14 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
What does your daughter think of the treatment you describe? Comments
about her tutoring children or his plans for the military and her care?
If your daughter is concerned, she has a decision to make regarding
whether she stays with you or goes with him. If she is not concerned
then follow her lead.
__________________
Pax, ke 
ke's universal disclaimer: In my posts, when I post about marriage, canon law, or sacraments I am talking about Latin Rite only, not the Orthodox and Eastern Rites. These are exceptions that confuse the issue and I am not talking about those.
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May 15, '16, 8:28 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
My daughter does not want to go. She wants me to pray for a miracle 😰😪
I have tried to tell her it is unlikely and doesn't look to anyone in
our entire family that her husband is being honest with her. But she
will go because he has promised her what she wants to hear that they
will be back in 4 years, something no one believes but I told her I hope
he proves everyone wrong. We are an open hearted very giving family. I
only want my daughter to be taken care of and her health not to
deteriorate, and I didn't sign up for this if I have to drive 8 hours
when she needs help
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May 15, '16, 9:28 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
The military is an excellent option. As an army wife with health issues
and mom of kids with heart problems, I assure you she will be taken care
of. Our insurance is top notch. I know many people will disagree with
me, but I've dealt with civilian plans as well as Tricare and nothing
really beats Tricare.
As an officer's wife she will be much better off than us enlisted wives.
They have better housing, higher pay, more community support, officer
wives clubs, etc. If he's a JAG officer his schedule is much more
predictable than my husband's schedule and often they are able to move
their spouses to locations that for most of us would be unaccompanied
tours. It's a pretty good job and it opens doors to many career
opportunities after the military.
Your daughter won't be moving immediately with him. He has to go through
training and arrive at his first duty station before she is able to
move. During the time he is gone she will have ample opportunity to
decide if she wants to join him or not. Honestly being only 8 hours from
family is pretty darn good. Most of my marriage we've been way more
than that! We've lived entire continents away. Right now we are about 8
hours from my family and we feel like we are home.
Give him some credit. He's joined the military not robbed a bank. He's
graduated college and become a lawyer. He set a time limit on the job
hunt and stuck to plan B. That's pretty good. Your daughter knew what
plan B was and she even let you know. it seems as if nothing he does
will be good enough. You don't like that he couldn't find a job and now
they he has one you still don't like it. I understand not wanting your
daughter to be so far away, but she's a married woman and she's making a
life with her husband.
I know you say he's arrogant, but maybe he's more concerned for his
wife's health and well being instead. Maybe you are reading it wrong.
Perhaps he doesn't want her working because she struggles enough to just
cook and do normal daily activities. Maybe he knows adding a job on top
of that would have negative affects on her wellbeing. It is possible he
lives her as much as you love her. Honestly, if he had her working
would that make you think more of him? Probably not. You would be very
upset that she was having to work while he was still searching. Try to
see some good in him. Apparently your daughter found him good enough to
marry. Seek out ways to find good in this situation and help your
daughter be happy and know she's got your support. Allow her to become
excited about making a home of her own for her own family instead of
feeling torn between two homes.
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May 15, '16, 9:47 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
What are your plans now that you have a shattered empty nest? Do you
plan to spend your twilight years there? Travel? Teach? Career change?
Move?
As a parents, we are taught to teach our children to fly away. Too
often, we have a hard time examining our next path God wants us on.
Certainly, your daughter is going to have anxiety if you do. However, if
you can speak positive and help her feel secure about change the
anxiety will diminish. The more you help this couple fly, the more
likely they will feel comfortable returning to visit you.
I was watching "The Bells of St Mary's" and realized how hard it is to
let go of children (especially since I'm now a mom). The advice that
rings in my head from this movie is to not become overly attached to
places. God has plans for you (and husband?) while a new branch is
growing for your daughter and her family.
__________________
 Married autumn 2009
 Spring 2011
 Sumer 2012
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May 15, '16, 10:28 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
No sour grapes here only shattered hearts
and worry over my daughters well being 8 hours away from any family. If
there was a conversation about how he planned to care for her so far
away from anyone we wouldn't feel disrespected. His family will be even
further. In the past 3 years they were only 3 hours away n I could go
get her to take her to doctors. This will be hard on both families when
her health fails. She can't drive, how will she get to any therapy.
So far his 7yrs of school has brought him to high levels on video games
and we welcome the military to adjust his attitude. He is lazy and
arrogant. My daughter graduated with honors and scholars n also has a 4
year degree that unfortunately she cannot put to use. He puts her down
by laughing at the possibility of her even tutoring, saying "she
couldn't possibly tutor an elementary student ha ha ha". There are so
many things I could say on the subject of his arrogance and disrespect
but I only came on this forum to get advice on how to react in a
Christian way while dealing with what just hit our family in the face.
Living alone all day in an apartment waiting for someone to come feed
you and take care of you is also an awfully hard life to ask of my
daughter to sign on for. She's not a cat
I have tried to give him every excuse for how he is trust me. All we get
is sly sneery grins. We have given him too much. And if it were the
case of us being over bearing why would he be telling his wife he wants
so badly to stay and then treat us so coldly. We are only a checkbook
and our daughter is being lied to. We know he has no intention of coming
back, it's my daughter he has promised not us.
As for being employed it's only 40$k a year and he has told her they
will live poor so he can pay his loan. There is no plan for her health
except that we r still going to be expected to pay what the military
doesn't cover
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Yes, I think you have probably given him too much, you probably
ought to have had a repayment plan in place when your son-in-law and
daughter accepted your financial help or else give the money just to
your daughter, but that is water under the bridge. The thing to consider
now is how to go forward and how you expect to be treated now.
I would really suggest you get counselling with your daughter about how
she can advocate on her own behalf. You live in 2016, so you ought to be
able to keep in contact with her via something like Skype. Keep in
mind, however, that she is a married woman and in spite of her
vulnerable condition she needs to be the one who initiates on behalf of
what she wants. It is going to be hard, but try to convince her
that your concern is not to do what you think she needs to do or to make
your son-in-law do what you think he needs to do, but just to give her
support in advocating for herself.
With your son-in-law, I would think you could use some help in deciding
how to treat him like a human being without allowing him to use your
concern for your daughter to manipulate you. Sure, you ought to support
your daughter so he doesn't use her vulnerable situation to neglect or
mistreat her. The main thing, however, is this: you allow her to make
her own decisions and her own mistakes. You also do not want to
undermine her marriage by treating her husband with contempt or making
personal attacks.
Considering your daughter's unusually vulnerable situation, though, I
think deciding how to handle this goes beyond normal need for parents to
let adult children live their own lives and make their own mistakes.
This is a tricky situation. Don't go it alone. The advice we can give is
worth what you pay for it. Go looking for better advice, and if you
have to pay for it, then do it.
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May 15, '16, 11:21 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
I think the mother has some legitimate concerns about her daughter's
health and who is going to care for her because her daughter is unable
to and her son-in-law is training in the military. What if her
son-in-law is sent overseas?
It doesn't sound like the son-in-law will take care of his wife's
health; the mother stated that he said he is going to use the money
earned towards paying the student loans he racked up and his wife's
parents are going to be stuck paying any healthcare bills.
Can't her daughter get Obamacare and then she could get a ride to the
doctor or hospital? It might possibly even pay for a caretaker to come
out.
I kind of wonder what type of husband the son-in-law is?
Does he go to Mass? Does he participate in the Sacraments?
There's something that sounds kind of off about this guy. Why the
resentful attitude if they helped him out financially with $4,000?
And just because someone becomes a soldier and is issued a gun by Uncle
Sam and wears a uniform doesn't necessarily mean he's now a dutiful
spouse to her daughter or somebody who is personally great.
Was the daughter disabled before the marriage or did she become disabled after she got married?
I think they need to figure out how the daughter's health is going to be
cared for now and talk about that and figure it out before they leave
and have a conversation and do so without all of the attitude this guy
is giving the parents.
__________________
"It's a free country; you can say whatever you want."
--Old American Saying
(U.S. Postal Service stamp-- from 1977 Americana series which extols
freedom of speech and features a Speaker's Stand decorated with an
American Flag shield.)
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May 16, '16, 3:37 am
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Posts: 1,990
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
I have problems similar to your daughter's. For the fibro, I utilize a
chiropractor for spinal alignment, then go from there with the symptoms.
Magnesium Malate with 12 ounces of orange juice at bedtime helps, as
well. A daily nap goes a long way. The asthma and heart problems may be
related. If she can walk for an hour a day, in more than one session, if
necessary, that would be most helpful.
Ask St. Gilbert of Sempringham for assistance with your son-in-law. St.
Gilbert did everything for a young man named Ogger, who became one of
the lay brothers of the Order of Sempringham. Ogger then led a campaign
against St. Gilbert that went to the pope. St. Gilbert and Ogger
eventually reconciled.
Men are funny when it comes to someone providing everything for them. I
guess it's ego that gets in the way. Some don't know how to accept
gifts.
"She couldn't tutor an elementary student," is crass arrogance in my
view from here. I am not in the situation, and therefore cannot read the
vibes in the room, or see his body language. Do you have sacramentals?
Have you a St. Benedict or Miraculous Medals blessed for exorcism?
Sounds like you need one. Simple holy water being sprinkled through the
house would be a help at this juncture.
You're doing what needs to be done, but 8 hours away seems a little
extreme. Have your daughter do some homework as to resources available.
Is she on spouse's benefits? I would go that route if she isn't until
the man's job can be found.
The military may be a tonic in this situation. The daughter could
possibly live at home with you if he gets sent overseas. The boy does
sound like he has problems. Pray the "Three Very Beautiful Prayers" for
him, even though he isn't dying. Also pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy,
and you'll be able to start seeing his problems instead of your own.
There's also a book called "Service Etiquette". He could get a head-start.
HTH
Blessings,
Cloisters
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May 16, '16, 4:36 am
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Prayer Warrior
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
When a person gets married, they are supposed to leave their parents
behind and cleave to their spouse, in good times and bad. It's very nice
that you helped them out to begin their marriage journey..
Tlif your daughter cannot take care of herself due to a permanent
disability there are options to getting her daily help. This may be
through her husbands health insurance or through social security.
I hope this helps settle your mind regarding the care aspect.
__________________
Thank you Blessed Mother for bringing my intentions to your Son, Jesus.
Amen 
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May 16, '16, 5:14 am
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Join Date: November 23, 2012
Posts: 14,344
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
I can feel your concern for your daughter's well being coming "through
the screen" of my computer. May God bless you for caring so much about
her and her well being. Also, I would imagine your SIL is appreciative
of your generosity but it has to be hard also for him to be in the
situation he is in as well dependent on you for financial assistance.
I hope you can step out on a limb and give him a chance as he tries to
provide for his family now in this new way. Your support for both of
them can go a long way to helping make their new situation work.
It appears from the many posts there are some real positive aspects to
the service regarding loan repayment and good health care that would
help your daughter.
I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Mary.
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May 16, '16, 6:16 am
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Posts: 10,440
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
I agree with other posters that your daughter and SIL sound like they
have a tremendous amount of resources and opportunities going for them.
Your disdain for SIL's video game hobby aside, there is no doubt that if
he was able to get a law degree and license, he must have something
going on upstairs. If your daughter has also completed a degree, I'm
pretty sure she can manage to crawl her way to the yellow pages to find
the phone number for the local cab company or get whatever resources she
needs to live in reasonable safety and comfort. Fibermalaygia is a very
difficult disease and I'm sure you have been a diligent parent in
providing your daughter with the support she's needed to get through her
medical issues. Are you certain that in the process you haven't made
her so dependent on you that you can't accept the idea that anyone else
could possibly take care of her, or that she could possibly take care of
herself? If I were in your situation, I would use the time before their
moving to help your daughter collect information and support she needs
to be successful in her new environment and encourage her that she is
competent and capable for this new adventure. What I really think you
should avoid is trying to mediate between her and her husband. If she
really doesn't want to go, especially after looking at the information
and resources available in the area, then SHE needs to talk to him, not
ask you to pray for a miracle. I think you should stop giving them
money. It seems to come with strings attached and that's not good for
your relationship with them or their relationship with one another.
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May 16, '16, 7:16 am
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Posts: 19
Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
As it was happening to us we couldn't understand why and said nothing
trying to give him time and just prayed about his attitude toward us for
7months. I never spoke negatively to my daughter about her spouse. We
did suggest he go get any job to get them some savings for when they
leave. That did not happen. And in hindsight to everyone it looks that
plan.B was most likely plan.A all along. I have told my daughter it's
not our life or our decision what they do and since we aren't included
in the conversation of her future that it is up to her to talk to her
husband and get answers on what the plans for her health were. She did
get him to ask his mother just Thursday if she could take care of her if
needed and when I was told she will be on call, I felt a huge relief
and did my best to comfort her. I looked up things on the internet with
her to see where she is going. I feel I have gone above and beyond. The $
we have given have no strings. Our daughter became ill after their
marriage and is very sad situation. I am helpless from here on and have
only insured she has a good start the best I can. We do feel he is
manipulating her illness for his financial security but regardless there
is nothing we have said or can do about it without my daughter feeling
hurt. He knows we will never let her suffer. I can't just show up on
moving day and start therapy programs by spending his money. It has to
be my daughter to do that and she is too timid to insure her health
doesn't deteriorate.
As for the questions of their spirituality, we are Catholic and he is
episcopalian. He had always gone to church with us when he was around,
the 3yrs he was away he did not go to church unless his mother insisted
or else I visited they came with me. Now he goes to his church rarely
but because of his mother. She was very against him marrying a Catholic.
My daughter hurts too much to be in church. She reads her bible daily
and watches mass on tv but I can't do anymore for either of them but
pray for them. They are adults, I can't do anymore.
This situation is terrible. I still love my son in law and pray so much
for them both. I only want to know how to move forward now that this has
been done in such a disrespectful way to us.
I hope to be able to say no next time he wants $. Now that he has a job
I'm sure medical bills can be financed by him. He will go on to be a
high paid lawyer in future and can pay his own way from here on out
without using up our future. My life will not end and I don't plan on
curling up in grief. I'm only sad hurt and concerned for my daughter and
what a future relationship will be like between us all.
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May 16, '16, 7:33 am
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Prayer Warrior
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Join Date: August 21, 2012
Posts: 4,583
Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Yes it's difficult to have a child move far away. I have been saying
this in a lot of posts lately...the best gift you can give your daughter
and son in law is the ability of living independent of you. of course
you will be there for serious matters however they need to learn how to
fly solo.
Your son in law perhaps has many things on his mind right now and to
show trust will help. You can also show your daughter that there is
nothing to fear about change and she has many who love her and you will
be a phone call away to offer emotional support for both her and her
husband.
__________________
Thank you Blessed Mother for bringing my intentions to your Son, Jesus.
Amen
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May 16, '16, 7:36 am
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Posts: 772
Religion: Roman Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
As it was happening to us we couldn't
understand why and said nothing trying to give him time and just prayed
about his attitude toward us for 7months. I never spoke negatively to my
daughter about her spouse. We did suggest he go get any job to get them
some savings for when they leave. That did not happen. And in hindsight
to everyone it looks that plan.B was most likely plan.A all along. I
have told my daughter it's not our life or our decision what they do and
since we aren't included in the conversation of her future that it is
up to her to talk to her husband and get answers on what the plans for
her health were. She did get him to ask his mother just Thursday if she
could take care of her if needed and when I was told she will be on
call, I felt a huge relief and did my best to comfort her. I looked up
things on the internet with her to see where she is going. I feel I have
gone above and beyond. The $ we have given have no strings. Our
daughter became ill after their marriage and is very sad situation. I am
helpless from here on and have only insured she has a good start the
best I can. We do feel he is manipulating her illness for his financial
security but regardless there is nothing we have said or can do about it
without my daughter feeling hurt. He knows we will never let her
suffer. I can't just show up on moving day and start therapy programs by
spending his money. It has to be my daughter to do that and she is too
timid to insure her health doesn't deteriorate.
As for the questions of their spirituality, we are Catholic and he is
episcopalian. He had always gone to church with us when he was around,
the 3yrs he was away he did not go to church unless his mother insisted
or else I visited they came with me. Now he goes to his church rarely
but because of his mother. She was very against him marrying a Catholic.
My daughter hurts too much to be in church. She reads her bible daily
and watches mass on tv but I can't do anymore for either of them but
pray for them. They are adults, I can't do anymore.
This situation is terrible. I still love my son in law and pray so much
for them both. I only want to know how to move forward now that this has
been done in such a disrespectful way to us.
I hope to be able to say no next time he wants $. Now that he has a job
I'm sure medical bills can be financed by him. He will go on to be a
high paid lawyer in future and can pay his own way from here on out
without using up our future. My life will not end and I don't plan on
curling up in grief. I'm only sad hurt and concerned for my daughter and
what a future relationship will be like between us all.
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I think that your expectations were a little off from the start.
When someone goes through such an intensive program such as law school.
Sure, they may start their job search to try to find a job locally, but
if no one happens to hire them locally...then they branch out beyond
what is local. Nothing was available for him locally, that does not mean
that he now has to resign himself to finding a job completely unrelated
to his field and degree (a walmart cashier, a landscaper). It may not
have been the best advice and expectation on your part to just have him
resign himself to accepting a job that is totally unrelated to his
career, just so they can stay local. That's illogical. The logical thing
to do in this situation would be to search for opportunities in his
field beyond your local community. He waited 7 months to expand his job
search horizons beyond what is local, if it was me or my husband I
probably would have waited only 4 weeks before we started encouraging
each other to look for something farther away.
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May 16, '16, 7:47 am
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Forum Elder
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Join Date: March 26, 2008
Posts: 22,053
Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
As it was happening to us we couldn't
understand why and said nothing trying to give him time and just prayed
about his attitude toward us for 7months. I never spoke negatively to my
daughter about her spouse. We did suggest he go get any job to get them
some savings for when they leave. That did not happen. And in hindsight
to everyone it looks that plan.B was most likely plan.A all along. I
have told my daughter it's not our life or our decision what they do and
since we aren't included in the conversation of her future that it is
up to her to talk to her husband and get answers on what the plans for
her health were. She did get him to ask his mother just Thursday if she
could take care of her if needed and when I was told she will be on
call, I felt a huge relief and did my best to comfort her. I looked up
things on the internet with her to see where she is going. I feel I have
gone above and beyond. The $ we have given have no strings. Our
daughter became ill after their marriage and is very sad situation. I am
helpless from here on and have only insured she has a good start the
best I can. We do feel he is manipulating her illness for his financial
security but regardless there is nothing we have said or can do about it
without my daughter feeling hurt. He knows we will never let her
suffer. I can't just show up on moving day and start therapy programs by
spending his money. It has to be my daughter to do that and she is too
timid to insure her health doesn't deteriorate.
As for the questions of their spirituality, we are Catholic and he is
episcopalian. He had always gone to church with us when he was around,
the 3yrs he was away he did not go to church unless his mother insisted
or else I visited they came with me. Now he goes to his church rarely
but because of his mother. She was very against him marrying a Catholic.
My daughter hurts too much to be in church. She reads her bible daily
and watches mass on tv but I can't do anymore for either of them but
pray for them. They are adults, I can't do anymore.
This situation is terrible. I still love my son in law and pray so much
for them both. I only want to know how to move forward now that this has
been done in such a disrespectful way to us.
I hope to be able to say no next time he wants $. Now that he has a job
I'm sure medical bills can be financed by him. He will go on to be a
high paid lawyer in future and can pay his own way from here on out
without using up our future. My life will not end and I don't plan on
curling up in grief. I'm only sad hurt and concerned for my daughter and
what a future relationship will be like between us all.
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I would not be so sure he's going to wind up with a high-paying
position, as the law is a notoriously competitive field. Law grads who
fail to pass the bar exam actually tend to do a bit worse than graduates
with only a bachelor's degree for the first five years or so, although
they do tend to catch up and do better eventually. Even those who pass
the bar exam, though, don't have a median salary as far above the median
salary of those with only bachelor's degrees as people imagine. It can
take many years of career advancement before they get into the salary
range that people imagine lawyers make.
Yes, I think it is time to pay bills having to do with your daughter's
health directly (or transportation to see you or electronic access to
communicate with you and others she holds dear), and after that direct
your son-in-law who is no longer a student to take out loans from a
lending institution if he and your daughter need money. You have given
them a great deal with no strings attached, it is time to draw a line,
and his attainment of a law degree is a reasonable time to draw it.
If he talks to your daughter in the contemptuous way you describe, their
marriage is headed towards the rocks. Since your daughter has time on
her hands, you might want to give her books such as those written by
John Gottman, so she can learn what kind of communication to accept or
not accept. You are right; she needs some help in advocating for
herself. She needs some way to be in contact with her support system
outside her new home--not just you, but her friends and other relatives,
too. I think I'd concentrate on that.
The other thing to do is to take care of yourself. Of course this is
upsetting. Don't try to beat yourself into not being upset about it. Try
to get in a place where you can put it in God's hands, take one day at a
time, and follow the Serenity Prayer path of doing what you can do and
accepting what you can't. That is a classic prayer for those who have
found they are powerless over the evils in this world, and between that
and the prayers that meditate on the Passion, it is among those things
that helps us to align ourselves with God in a way that makes enduring
such a situation possible.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
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May 16, '16, 8:44 am
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New Member
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Join Date: April 8, 2013
Posts: 19
Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
We only suggested he get any job to pay his own 4$k of bills so far.
There are more bills coming until he is enlisted and paid...While he is
online searching and playing video games. My husband told him we don't
mind helping as long as he could try to help himself. At least to work
somewhere while waiting on his planB. The law job search could have been
anywhere they chose as a married couple for their future and her health
and not be mandated to my daughter that the government now has control
over where she will be over the next 4 years. His mother knowing the
plans he is making before his own wife is even told, seals for me the
reality that if his own wife is so out the conversation that I
definitely have no way any expectations. I don't expect anything from
him from here on and the only thing I ever did before was, respect. That
also is gone. It is done.
How do I react to him from here on if I don't trust him and lost all respect.
Thank you so very much to those here for the advice of certain prayers
and saints. I have already started those and they are of comfort. I do
have statues and icons of Mary, the Holy Family, St. Benedict. I have
been praying fervently to St.Pio and St.Jude as well as chaplet of
mercy. Thank you for the prayers and advice. I also take to heart the
criticisms and give mercy as best I can.
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May 16, '16, 9:22 am
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Banned
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Join Date: February 17, 2015
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by PolarGuy
I'm sorry, I would like to offer a very different take on this, and I respectfully think WillyAl is way, way off base.
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How is WillyAL way, way off base?
Realistically, you don't just stroll into a recruiting office and say,
"I'm here to join the JAG Corps. When do I leave?" For the vast majority
of the JAG officers I worked with, being a judge advocate was "Plan A."
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May 16, '16, 9:22 am
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Posts: 29,555
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Keep the lines of communication with your daughter open. If you sense he
is isolating her, then encourage her to come for a visit with you. Make
it known that no matter what your door is always open and if she needs
you.
__________________
Pax, ke
ke's universal disclaimer: In my posts, when I post about marriage, canon law, or sacraments I am talking about Latin Rite only, not the Orthodox and Eastern Rites. These are exceptions that confuse the issue and I am not talking about those.
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May 16, '16, 12:39 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
You don't seem to have anything positive to say about him. I would also
hold the opinion that he didn't obtain his law qualification and pass
the bar by just playing computer games. There must be something that
your daughter sees in him. If they want to move, it's up to them. She is
his wife now and the decision is theirs. It looks like there are good
prospects of a career in the military if what some people have posted is
true.
I would say it's time to let go. This is life. The responsibility to
care for her in ill health is primarily his, as the wedding vows say.
You risk alienating your daughter and her husband by interfering too
much in their lives and criticizing her husband.
No matter what financial help you gave them it's still their decision to
move. You can't give financial help with the proviso that they never
move away.
__________________
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” ~ G. K.
Chesterton.
Married to my best friend: 24th October 2016
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May 16, '16, 1:37 pm
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Join Date: April 8, 2013
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Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
It's been 7months since he is here not a student, no longer studying for
the bar, with bills to pay and a wife to care for. Plenty of jobs he
could've taken before my husband had to insist he go to the employment
agency. We did not sign up for him sitting around playing video games
all day long while we pay every bill and care for his wife. It's overdue
for him to adult now. If HE not us, wants so badly to stay near us then
why disrespect and take advantage of us then expect everyone to be
happy to be near him or trust him ever again.
His plan B is coming to full picture now and all is well in his world
except that we now feel used and trampled on. He could take her wherever
she agrees to for all I care so long as they have a plan to keep her
healthy and not be "kept" like a housecat or call on me to pay the bills
or drive 8hours to go through this all over again for 4 years or
however long. We wished better for our daughter and expected some
respect from him not arrogance and laziness under our roof squeezing our
savings. None of this is changeable. What's done is done. It is their
life. I'm not keeping them from going.
I'm just not happy being around him at all and only wanted advice on how to get past this for the future of our family.
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May 16, '16, 1:41 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamPeter
You don't seem to have anything positive
to say about him. I would also hold the opinion that he didn't obtain
his law qualification and pass the bar by just playing computer games.
There must be something that your daughter sees in him. If they want to
move, it's up to them. She is his wife now and the decision is theirs.
It looks like there are good prospects of a career in the military if
what some people have posted is true.
I would say it's time to let go. This is life. The responsibility to
care for her in ill health is primarily his, as the wedding vows say.
You risk alienating your daughter and her husband by interfering too
much in their lives and criticizing her husband.
No matter what financial help you gave them it's still their decision to
move. You can't give financial help with the proviso that they never
move away.
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Health care in the US is not set up so that the finances of a
young couple starting out can necessarily handle a catastrophic and
debilitating illness.
You can give financial help with any proviso you like, provided you give
the recipient the chance to take it or leave it up front. Prudence
usually argues against giving to in-laws with too many strings attached
(save to require them to sign real loan papers or at least paperwork to
ensure that the money will be paid back to the estate if it is not paid
back before the parents die), but it's a moot point here. That was not
done and it is unlikely that it will be done now.
Respect for marriage vows does not require people to refrain from making
certain that married family members are not isolated from their social
circle by their spouses. Spouses do not have carte blanche to act like
sociopaths, and they shouldn't feel entitled to have that.
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May 16, '16, 1:44 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
It's been 7months since he is here not a
student, no longer studying for the bar, with bills to pay and a wife to
care for. Plenty of jobs he could've taken before my husband had to
insist he go to the employment agency. We did not sign up for him
sitting around playing video games all day long while we pay every bill
and care for his wife. It's overdue for him to adult now. If HE not us,
wants so badly to stay near us then why disrespect and take advantage of
us then expect everyone to be happy to be near him or trust him ever
again.
His plan B is coming to full picture now and all is well in his world
except that we now feel used and trampled on. He could take her wherever
she agrees to for all I care so long as they have a plan to keep her
healthy and not be "kept" like a housecat or call on me to pay the bills
or drive 8 hours to go through this all over again for 4 years or
however long. We wished better for our daughter and expected some
respect from him not arrogance and laziness under our roof squeezing our
savings. None of this is changeable. What's done is done. It is their
life. I'm not keeping them from going.
I'm just not happy being around him at all and only wanted advice on how to get past this for the future of our family.
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Ok, for a start it really isn't your or your husbands place to
tell him to go down to the employment agency. He's not your son. If you
feel like this then perhaps you should not offer any more financial
support. I can understand that you want the best for your daughter but
you seem to be coming across as completely negative about this guy.
Nobody is all bad. I would challenge you to think of a few good
qualities or things that your daughter might see in him. That could help
you to see him in a different light maybe.
__________________
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” ~ G. K.
Chesterton.
Married to my best friend: 24th October 2016
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May 16, '16, 1:52 pm
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Join Date: April 8, 2013
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Religion: Catholic
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
My husband did not want to pay his bills and he has no job. Why would we
not have a right to tell him go get a job if he's taking money and
living under my roof? It's either say you need an income or else you
need to leave... Where would my disabled daughter have gone? He couldn't
have left with her to his parents because they don't pay anything for
him.
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May 16, '16, 2:13 pm
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Join Date: May 25, 2004
Posts: 29,555
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
What does your daughter think of moving with the military? What does
your daughter think about his plan to join the military? What is your
daughter's plan for her treatment, transportation, and care?
You haven't really communicated anything on this thread regarding your
daughter's plans. While she is physically limited, she isn't
incapacitated or mentally incompetent. She needs to advocate for
herself, her treatment, and what SHE wants-- with her husband and her
doctors.
__________________
Pax, ke
ke's universal disclaimer: In my posts, when I post about marriage, canon law, or sacraments I am talking about Latin Rite only, not the Orthodox and Eastern Rites. These are exceptions that confuse the issue and I am not talking about those.
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May 16, '16, 2:21 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
My husband did not want to pay his bills
and he has no job. Why would we not have a right to tell him go get a
job if he's taking money and living under my roof? It's either say you
need an income or else you need to leave... Where would my disabled
daughter have gone? He couldn't have left with her to his parents
because they don't pay anything for him.
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Well he seems to want to move and has some sort of plan for caring
for his wife. You do seem to be a bit resistant to the suggestion that
he might be trying to do good by her.
And someone said it already but I'm a student myself. I'm also working
and saving for my wedding in October. Sometimes with study five days a
week and work the other two, you need to just zone out with exercise or
computer games or some form of mindless escapism.
__________________
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” ~ G. K.
Chesterton.
Married to my best friend: 24th October 2016
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May 16, '16, 2:42 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
He couldn't have left with her to his parents because they don't pay anything for him.
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I think This would have probably been a better approach to the
situation. The couple may have left the area and gotten a job a lot
sooner had they not been so easily handed money. It would have forced
him to become self-reliant a lot sooner...they have, afterall, been
married for 7 years. So yes stop giving money. Let your daughter move
away with her husband. And let go of your bitterness
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May 16, '16, 4:02 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
He has stepped up and found a job and still you are unhappy about this.
I've been a military wife for 12 of the last 18 years--most active duty.
My husband got out and went back because you really can't beat the
military insurance and benefits. You at one point point out the he will
only make $40,000 as an officer, but this is only to start out. It's
taken my husband 12 years to make that, so imagine where your son in law
will be financially soon enough. His student loans will be taken care
of. His insurance is the best available in the US and fully funded.
There will be no further medical bills if they choose wisely among the
three options available to active duty families. They will have housing
or at least a housing allowance paid to them (tax free in addition to
his base pay). With 8 kids, several with health problems, and surgeries,
and my own health problems and hearing aids, in the 12 years we've been
active duty, I've had $150 in medical bills total. Most of my over the
counter medicines are even paid for. We have no copays at the doctor or
pharmacy unless I choose to go out of network. We do not see Army Drs,
all our care is off post with civilian providers and specialists. It is
the only way possible to raise 8 kids and not starve. He has found a way
to completely support his family and that should make you proud,
relieved, happy and thankful. Why are you angry enough now to post about
how lazy he is? Why not be this upset before when he was unemployed?
I'm not understanding why you find this so horrendous except for the
fact it removes them from your control.
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May 16, '16, 4:11 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by bitterhope
He has stepped up and found a job and
still you are unhappy about this. I've been a military wife for 12 of
the last 18 years--most active duty. My husband got out and went back
because you really can't beat the military insurance and benefits. You
at one point point out the he will only make $40,000 as an officer, but
this is only to start out. It's taken my husband 12 years to make that,
so imagine where your son in law will be financially soon enough. His
student loans will be taken care of. His insurance is the best available
in the US and fully funded. There will be no further medical bills if
they choose wisely among the three options available to active duty
families. They will have housing or at least a housing allowance paid to
them (tax free in addition to his base pay). With 8 kids, several with
health problems, and surgeries, and my own health problems and hearing
aids, in the 12 years we've been active duty, I've had $150 in medical
bills total. Most of my over the counter medicines are even paid for. We
have no copays at the doctor or pharmacy unless I choose to go out of
network. We do not see Army Drs, all our care is off post with civilian
providers and specialists. It is the only way possible to raise 8 kids
and not starve. He has found a way to completely support his family and
that should make you proud, relieved, happy and thankful. Why are you
angry enough now to post about how lazy he is? Why not be this upset
before when he was unemployed? I'm not understanding why you find this
so horrendous except for the fact it removes them from your control.
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Wow. The army certainly takes care of their own. Can an Irish guy enlist? Sure you guys are practically all Irish anyway...lol 
__________________
“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An
inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.” ~ G. K.
Chesterton.
Married to my best friend: 24th October 2016
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May 16, '16, 4:36 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamPeter
Wow. The army certainly takes care of their own. Can an Irish guy enlist? Sure you guys are practically all Irish anyway...lol |
Might as well. My husband is Mexican. Well, he's a US citizen now. Another thing the Army helped us with...
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May 16, '16, 4:41 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
OP's son in law may be many things, but lazy is not among them when you're in the army!
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May 16, '16, 4:47 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeaBelle
It's been 7months since he is here not a
student, no longer studying for the bar, with bills to pay and a wife to
care for. Plenty of jobs he could've taken before my husband had to
insist he go to the employment agency. We did not sign up for him
sitting around playing video games all day long while we pay every bill Perhaps you should have treated him as the adult he now is and not taken on his care as if he was a child. and care for his wife. So now you sound like you resent having to care for your daughter? Why did you allow them to live with you anyway? It's
overdue for him to adult now. If HE not us, wants so badly to stay near
us then why disrespect and take advantage of us then expect everyone to
be happy to be near him or trust him ever again.
His plan B is coming to full picture now and all is well in his world except that we now feel used That was kind of your own doing. and
trampled on. He could take her wherever she agrees to for all I care so
long as they have a plan to keep her healthy and not be "kept" like a
housecat Honestly, this comment is really disrespectful to your daughter as well as your son-in-law. or call on me to pay the bills or drive 8hours to go through this all over again for 4 years or however long. So, don't. It is no longer your place to do so. They are married and you are not responsible for your daughter any longer. We wished better for our daughter Wow. I hope you never said that to your daughter. and
expected some respect from him not arrogance and laziness under our
roof squeezing our savings. None of this is changeable. What's done is
done. It is their life. I'm not keeping them from going.
I'm just not happy being around him at all and only wanted advice on how to get past this for the future of our family. You
get past this by treating them BOTH as adults and wishing them the best
in their new life. Be happy for them. Congratulate them on their new
life. Support their choices. Don't act like the military is some kind of
lower or lesser choice just because it wasn't his first choice. Quite
frankly, your comments about the military are disrespectful to anyone
here that is a military family. It may end up being just what they both
need to grow up.
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Your daughter may have problems with her health, but perhaps you
should let go of her and let her try to fly with her own wings for a
change. If she is constantly hearing from you how she is as helpless as a
cat, that has to be cared for by someone, that has to affect her
thinking about herself. What might be better is for you to build her
confidence up that things will work out.
__________________
"Lord Jesus, in times of
trial and temptation, be my strength and consolation. Teach me not to
fear the darkness, but rather draw me to your light. For it can only be
in darkness that you will become my light and in your light that I may
bring the light of healing to all I meet." - George Maloney
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May 16, '16, 4:53 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
We all want the best for our children. If you feel he has taken
advantage of you perhaps it would help to start to see your daughter and
him as uniited, a married couple. You helped them both.
Sometimes it's helpful to see thing as they appear on the surface-they
needed help to get situated and now an oportunity has come along that is
far away-and you will be missing your daughter and wish that they could
live closer.
__________________
Thank you Blessed Mother for bringing my intentions to your Son, Jesus.
Amen
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May 16, '16, 4:55 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
Quote:
Originally Posted by PolarGuy
OP's son in law may be many things, but lazy is not among them when you're in the army!
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We do sacrifice a lot as a family. It's certainly not free, except
the money type of free. But compared to what we have on the civilian
side we are much better off in the Army. Not everything is perfect and
dental and vision plans could be a little better but over all we are so
blessed. It's not the life for everyone, it does sound like it will
benefit this couple though. Even if it doesn't, it isn't permanent, it's
evaluated quite often, and at least it was an attempt at independence.
This is a time to emotionally support them and cheer them on despite a
parent's own worries. No one should be trying to make things more
difficult and scary for them.
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May 16, '16, 7:06 pm
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Re: Adult Children leaving nest shattered
I won't be back to this thread, I've gotten more than what I was looking
for here and hope you all go in the peace and love of Christ 💖 There
have been some very Christian and helpful advice and prayers offered. I
came here to seek help because I've been hurting so much feeling used
and helpless for our daughter. Thank you for those who actually read all
the thread and helped by suggesting certain prayers that I emailed to
all our concerned family (btw I think it is already helping! Amen!) I
will continue to pray. Counseling was also good suggestion and I will do
that if things don't get better. Books to read and saints to pray to.
Tysvm✨
For those who didn't catch that my daughter doesn't want to go and is
praying for a miracle, idk what country we live in anymore that she
would have no say in your view of her own future. She is no ones
property and no wife should have to pray not to be taken to the
military, regardless if she is well or not. We have had no involvement
in any of this.
What's done is done. We have never dictated to either on having to live
near us. She is ill and loves us. It is what he has promised her IF she
follows him. She was 3 hours away for 3yrs. We have not coddled her into
her state. We only gave too much and jumped every time they both needed
us. 8 hours would be exhausting. I cry to think of it 😰
If we didn't love them both we would not be hurting. How he has been
behaving over these 7month is disrespectful to everyone to the point we
don't recognize him. Prayers for this reason alone have worn me out and
it hurts to have him act this way to us. And we are tired of writing
checks to someone disrespectful and unappreciative. We feel used. 😓
To those who don't understand our shattered feelings it may be that it
hasn't happened to you and would not wish it on anyone. My heart hurts
so much and I just wanted help..
To the military comments, I have deep appreciation for all and their
families. I was a navy wife raising my kids in war time alone. It is not
an easy path and not for everyone. I have never said a negative thing
to my daughter regarding the military or her health. We would love to be
supportive if we were even given the decency of a conversation on his
plan for them. This is the hurtful part on how awful it all came about.
If you can't understand mayb don't post, hateful comments were not
helpful. I expected better from a "Catholic" forum. Most of the replies
here I could've gotten from Facebook haters. I've taken the criticisms
to heart and examined myself even harsher than I already was. I'm an
honest, open, over-giving person who loves her family. And I appreciate
the "good Catholic advice" ✨ God Bless us all. Walking home with Jesus
now. See you there💖
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